gone.

I have learned a few things lately, some lived, some lost, some dreamed. I have learned that I love wholeheartedly who is in front of me, and am just now learning that those behind me lighten that love, instead of darkening it.

The ones behind, those I have lost, through the turns of the earth and its unending evolution to other worlds, those slipping their bodies to find white-lit horizons, showing up in other ways, in nightly multi-colored plays while I sleep.

Those who have left in this life, their story of me exploding into so many blossoming words, showing up in other ways, in their absence, the memory of us laughing.

Those very things behind me fuel love, and now that I know this, the love unleashed in front of me is purer; unbridled, and free.

I dreamed last night, sitting across from a broken heart, her words telling me my pain allows her to not feel better, not quite yet. What is hurting is coming toward her, and she says the grittiness of the things I have mourned allows her the grace to wait to feel better, the expectation that we won’t find the silver lining, that she can be wounded, healed and released all in her good time, not mine, not ours.

I often dream what I don’t yet know how to do, the lesson taught by wise hands that no longer hold me here, in this world. I wish I knew who taught me, I have asked to know, and only feel quiet.

I have lived so many years in the belly of the beast of ‘feeling better’, and now I know, the not feeling better is a gift to those in front of me, those who I love wholeheartedly, while those behind me leave their trail of soft goodbyes or sand littered regrets, never knowing the flowers that will bloom from that sacred, holy place.

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